"I believe you have what is called borderline personality disorder, but it's not as bad as you think. You also have C-PTSD," the doc said. Oh yeah? I knew the stigma around those words and that most people in the world 10 years ago and before believed it deemed someone crazy. I called the rest of the day off of work because I was just convinced I was headed to the Psych Ward. I was very unstable, and this was not helping. He promised me he could help me. I am not happy he is a he. I do not trust men, and I know no man can help me after everything men have done to me. I left the office that day 8 years ago, and that was one of the last times I remember feeling hopeless.
Hopelessness had become just second nature to me, like breathing. I got so good at existing in the hopelessness and creating more hopelessness. You see, I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse. It stopped my brain from growing, and a lot of things did not develop because of that trauma. I had managed to make it 36 years, but I was tired of struggling, tired of fighting, just tired of it all. I was ready for change. I just wanted a life where I didn't have to think about that trauma all the time and how it has just plagued every corner of my life.
I started a treatment called EMDR. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This treatment was not talk
therapy. Now I went in there, and word vomited everything that had ever happened to me as he asked in one session, and then I took myself to dinner and ate a whole bowl of cheese dip. Where are my bingers at? Yet another thing sexual abuse gave me. It's how I deal with a lot of stress and my fear at night. He looked me in the eye and apologized to me for everything that happened to me. He said he was sorry that the hundreds of other psychology professionals I had seen before did not take my condition seriously because it was very serious, and he promised to walk with me through everything I experienced, and he did. I am crying right now thinking about his effort behind my healing...so grateful.
Imagine you are on railroad tracks, like a ghost standing on the tracks. Your life is the train; every train car is a memory in your life. I thought that train would never end....but one day, I showed up to EMDR, and I had no bad memories left. I remembered them, but they had no emotional pull. Slowly through these treatments, I started noticing less reactivity, more patience; I started feeling emotions. I was smiling again. This treatment took 8 months, and then I took a yoga teacher training that allowed me to build my life on my terms and give me faith and belief in a bigger picture than just me. Then I took classes on being a medical intuitive, and then I became a reiki master, then a life coach, now finishing my degree. My life is free, and I am loving the life I have created. I guess what I am trying to say is don't bank on a doctor to fix you, don't give up on your treatment, and take responsibility for your part in your healing.