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#metoo

When this movemement first came out, I could not understand why people wanted to live in a place of pain.  I did not see it as a noble thing, i saw it as shameful as far as us living in our pain.  Honestly, I would have to say that #metoo triggered my PTSD, it triggered that shame and guilt I had not let go of yet.  Shortly after this movement became big and stars started coming out about their experiences and nailing their abusers to the wall, I became obsessed with every story being told.  Even though each one was different, what we as victims of sexual assault are left with are the many levels of guilt and shame.  Guilt and shame that weaves its way into every facet of our life.  It tells us we are not good enough (kind of like powdered concrete just waiting for its catalyst), and media, advertisements, songs about bitches, constant weight loss commercials, inconsistent government and all of the things that we buy into that tells us we are not good enough (this is the catalyst, the water that cements the clusterfuck that becomes our reality).

Its true, I was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused as a child, but what I really want to talk about is all the decisions I made after that.  15 years of living with the guilt and shame lens on.  I feel like I abused myself almost as much if not more than my abuser.  I punished myself on the daily by hating myself.  It isnt like I woke up everyday wanting to, It just happened.  Destroying anything good in my life subconsciously because I didnt deserve to be loved as a child and I damn sure didnt deserve anything that looked like love now after recreating the cycle of abuse.  My last blog post was about my recent dark night of the soul.  During this time some of these past memories came up and I got the lovely opportunity to send them on their way for good.  I had no choice but to be one with my pain, and finally I felt it and let it move through me.  Taking these habits, behaviors, and limiting beliefs that have been attached to this pain and really feeling them, taking note, and allowing them to leave has been very powerful.  I honestly feel like a different person.  I am sure some paradigm shift happened.

But last night as I watch the Grammys, which I havent in years, but something told me to, I watched Pink and Kesha give some of the most compelling performances I have seen in a while.  I felt their pain, I felt my pain, I felt the worlds pain!  Instead of avoiding it, I breathed it in, felt it, and sent out healing love and light to all parties involved including myself.

I use to tell my story for attention, now I tell it to to remind myself that I am a fucking badass, and that I am no longer a victim but a warrior.  Maybe someone will relate and feel like I felt last night, that I am not alone and I am a part of a tribe that wants to change the world, raise the vibration, and make a fucking difference.  I am a part of world who has found healing in the #metoo movement.

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