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My dark nights of my soul!

It has been a bitch of a three months.  I literally went from saying, “nothing can knock me off this foundation I have built”, to my cousin dying, an acquaintance getting brutally raped and attacked in her home, being fired from two jobs (what a blessing), and then because I internalized all of this anger, sadness, and pain, I got the flu twice, coughed out a rib, and landed at a chiropractors office with 2 bulged disk.  Lets just say I have not been the picture of wellness.

How does a wellness coach continue coaching when she has found herself broken, angry, and depressed?  Well, tbh, I did’nt, I hid.  One thing I started to practice during this dark time was presence, this thing I always go to when I do not know what to do.  As I layed on my couch thinking what a fucking hypocrite I am.  Here I am hurting and I am not doing any of the things I would recommend to a client, in fact, I was so sick I really could not.  So, I lay there experiencing the pain and decide to make a gratitude list.  I will be damned that shit works, but I definitely did not want to.  That is kind of my thing.  If it is nourishing or good for me, I do not want to do it.  I find resistance in all things good for me.  This stems from having a life of hurt and drama and the need to recreate said hurt and drama. I have just found less dramatic ways to fit it into my life these days.

Before my Yoga Teacher Training I was a very reactive person.  I was majorely triggered in my PTSD, and honestly couldnt think about anyone but myself and the loathing I had for myself.  So, when I found this program I took it seriously and applied whatever I felt would fit into my life for peace. Peace and happiness, after my fight or flight 30 year trend, was all i was looking for.  It was what I got too!

For the last 5 years, I have struggled, pushed, and grasped for peace.  Anytime I felt wronged I found a way to work it out in my mind that the part I played in the situation brought on the wronged feeling, and maybe sometimes this was true, but more times than not I just internalized the other persons wrong doing.   I had literally fooled myself thinking I had found peace because I had these “tools”.  I got in my mind that yoga teachers do not get angry, we do not harm others, we do not react, and we certainly do keep our side of the street clean in any situation.  It would be great if all of this is true but we are human, so do we not act, feel like any other human with all the feels?

I had spent so many years angry and depressed, when I found yoga, I just went to the other side.  It felt really good until the end of last year.  I found myself vindictive, unexplained depression, angry at whatever there was to be angry at, including myself for just all this fucking drama in my life.  This life I had created where I wanted to help others through these things I had been through, came crashing down all around me.  I honestly wanted to die, and that is when I knew something was not right.  My yoga teacher would always say life is like a pendulum swing and we can control the momentum.  I think my swing has been stuck for awhile now.

As it turns out I was having a dark night of the soul moment.  I really connected to this darkness in me, in fact I would rather be in the dark than the light.  I feel comfortable in the dark.  Everything I thought and believed was falling away, and if this has never happened to you, It is real fucking scary.  I was lost, I didnt have the answers and my “tools” were not working anymore.  Plus, I have all these peeps looking up to me waiting to see what we are doing next, and quite frankly I never want to be in that position again.  I would love a world where we all get to be human and it is ok.  That is not the world we live in, in case you were wondering.  Everyday people are discriminated against, murdered, betrayed, molested, raped, taken advantage of, and more things I have never had to endure, thank GOD!, but others have and should be heard and able to heal.

I understand the concept of breaking down to breakthrough and this is exactly what it felt like. The minute I would grasp for something I know I knew, it would deteriorate.  I wondered if I was going to make it through this.  But here I am, alive and grateful for the experiences.

I still want to help others if they want it, but I will be coming from a spiritual place, not a physical place.  I will be focusing more on my own yoga and let that roll over into my teaching because I love sharing the practice, and I love watching all the different bodies move at their own ability.  It is like the BEST thing.  This year I didnt make a resolution but what I did do is say, whatever I do is going to be fucking fun!  So, here is to another year of pushing less and allowing more!

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2020.  Created by Amanda Jo McCarty