The last few weeks have been rougher than normal. I found myself in an anger storm last week, having thoughts I had not had in years. I did not understand why I was feeling that way and I had no idea how to release myself from the dark cloud that appeared above my life. I mean I really have nothing catastrophic or sad that has happened. Unfortunately with PTSD, that is the way it goes. I hear non PTSD people have this same experience, so maybe it’s just life. You become triggered with no real explanation of why? I usually practice not needing to know but this time was different.
I knew that if I did a little research about my chakras and what I was experiencing I could start crawling out of the emotional tornado. I immediately diagnosed myself with solar plexus chakra imbalance (damn ego) and started bringing yellow into my life everywhere. I do have to say I immediately had some relief. Now it was time to make sure this feeling didn’t come back. LOL! (Laughing because it will)
I nailed down a few situations where I did not voice my opinion or let someone know I felt wronged. This is still a very confusing process for me due to my over analytical mind. If I am feeling wronged is that my shit or was this person being mean? As I type this all I can see on the screen is EGO EGO EGO!
I remember the day I learned what ego really was. I was in my Yoga Teacher Training and my teacher explained ego consisted of your special sauce (your personality) plus all the stories in your head about your life. I was exhilarated and mortified. The stories I told me about myself were horrible but I had a great personality I told myself. It has been a little over 2 years since that moment and my ego still creeps in when I least expect it. I see where instead of loving myself for whoever I am at the moment, I put on the personality show for everyone. Those moments are and were so empty.
I have lived with high expectations of myself and everyone around me. I know now that is a reflection of my ego. I do not think I would feel the need to be perfect, be heard or always right had I not had the childhood experiences I had. I’m learning I have to love ALL of me no matter what, and I need to love these parts of me I deem negative when in reality have contributed to my hard work ethic, yoga teaching, and the quest to find my life purpose. Every ego trait has its place. We are equipped with these tools for a reason. Instead of labeling them good or bad, let them be.
I have learned my ego is like ants on a rainy spring day. You know the ones seeping into the windowsill onto your food and counter so they can find solace from the storm. It does not matter how many you get rid of , there will always be that one that gets away. So, the story goes. I am never going to get rid of these things I deem negative but I have started finding the good in them because I am never going to get away from myself. I will feel this way again or maybe I will not.