I use to tell my story to get attention, then I learned I was in victim mode. I am an all or nothing kinda gal so of course I completely cut that out and stopped sharing my story. I fell into this stripped feeling. At the same time this was happening both of my children moved out of the house. Being a mother was who I was. My whole identity was wrapped up in this bubble of motherhood and victimization. As if I hadn’t been victimized enough, I had been victimizing myself by hanging on to all the negative things that had happened in my life and multiplying them times 100. I was having a full-blown identity crisis.
I had always battled depression….I am sure from the untreated PTSD. 4 years ago my anxiety was completely debilitating. We lived on the lake and every time I drove over the bridge I wanted to drive in the lake, my boys were the only reason I didn’t. It really scared me and I knew I had to reach out for help. Long story short I found a wonderful psychologist who saw my pain and wanted to help. I went to him to get on ADHD meds because I was failing as a business owner. He put me through all these tests and then proceeded to tell my that I was presenting bipolar symptoms but wasnt really bipolar, it was untreated PTSD. PTSD can be crippling and it was for me. I had some childhood shit that needed dealing with and I had been avoiding it. My frontal lobe was not working at all. He educated me about PTSD and told me if I took my adhd meds I could possibly get worse so if I thought I could deal…he would rather I didn’t take them until after the EMDR treatments. So, we began. What a life changing experience! It took about 8 months but after one treatment I started feeling different. BETTER!
In December of that year 2013 I decided to do a Yoga teacher training. It really bridged the gap…Instilled foundations that will never waver and taught me that what I do is not who I am. So for the last few years I have been on this journey of discovering who I really am. I just didn’t have the time when the boys were growing up. I was a baby having babies and I worked ALOT!! TOO MUCH!!
I am very careful to label who I am because I love personal growth and believe we are always becoming better. I dont want to be stuck to a label and allow it to hold me back. Health and Fitness have always been an important part of my life. I have always been heavier but about a year ago I just was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I hurt..I wasnt happy..and I hid behind clothes. I kept seeing a few of my friends getting results with Beachbody. So, I signed up as a coach (not my first time trying to lose weight, I have literally done everything to become thin) I lost 10lbs with 21 day fix and learned about portions and it was working. I was so happy. Then the inevitable happened…I stopped getting results like I did with every other program I have ever done. I was so disappointed..I thought for sure that working out and eating right was what I was supposed to be doing, right? Luckily, I am doing some testing right now that has proved to be very informative. I am insulin resistant and have leaky gut so I am working to heal that right now. It feels really good to have some answers and know this is only a phase.
Moral of this story is…keep trying, don’t quit, and get into touch with your intuition and your body and explore your journey. If you’re not happy, do something about it. If you want something you can have it…Anything is possible. If this victim can turn into a victor, I believe anything is possible.