I do not know where I picked up the need to be perfect. I have my speculations but since it has been a lifelong thing who knows the true culprit. I do know that I used perfection as a way to not be authentic, to be seen in a different light than who I really was. Who am I kidding? I didn’t even know who I was or how to get there. Over the last 3 years I have stumbled upon many growth opportunities and I have chosen to do the work to bring me today. In saying that, if I wouldn’t have done the work that would have been ok also.
Being perfect started young, and when I was not perfect…I was a quitter..Talk about two ends of the spectrum. This last weekend I was involved in two different events that my perfection would have always showed up.
Event #1. Huge gala in Rogers Arkansas. There were some expectations of me for this event…Surprising to me I was level headed and moved swiftly to get my job finished. What to wear, how I looked, and who I spoke to would have been at the top of my act perfect list. If I looked perfect and spoke to all the right people my value would be increased. I found myself not caring about any of this at all, at any point of the night. I showed up in my borrowed dress, my Payless shoes, and my Claire’s jewelry feeling nothing but myself. I wasn’t aware at the moment but now I realize this is what it feels like to be authentic. There is no turning back now.
Event #2. A Blessing Way I was hosting for someone who has been close to me the last few years. My exhaustion and perfection showed up here but this event was close to my heart. I was so lucky to have a close friend helping me host. She saw my panic, she saw perfectionist ME. Usually I would get so panicked I could not function, but she grabbed my shoulders and looked in my eyes and said ,”I got this, go get ready”. In the past I would choose martyrdom and say no I need to stay and help but I took her up on her offer and got out of there a.s.a.p. I realized I had not done much that week for me. I definitely wasn’t at the top of my list, where I should be. I can’t be of service if I am empty. I stopped the car, closed my eyes and did a short meditation. The event was amazing and guess what? It was perfect without me controlling it.
The older I become I am realizing the less I control and perfect, the more freedom, joy, and happiness flow into my life. Sometimes it is hard for me to set my boundaries, sometimes I don’t want to treat myself right, sometimes I fail. Learning to love myself is one of the best things I practice… I see the ripples of that love flow through my life on a daily basis.